Excerpts posted as the books are being written! (May not be the same when the books are edited).

Chapter 3

Ex-India

Getting on with “real life”.

After to England in1976, I kept up Swami Muktananda and the Siddha Yoga with them for about 15 years, very sporadically without any real connection, and no personal contact with my guru.

In many ways I became the average man in the street, & more or less forgot about my role in India, and even felt vaguely embarrassed by it all, and did not disclose to hardly anyone that I had spent ten years in India!

I did think about my yoga practices occasionally from time to time and also remembered my mantras: the sacred words that I had been initiated into in India. Occasionally I would have periods where my inner meditations would be quite pronounced, although essentially I carried on my routine of whatever I was into the time. I dropped my monk identity, but I never lost my eastern philosophy, even when it was mainly subtly buried somewhere.

It’s all about Divine Grace for me!

My deity is the Goddess, in the forms that I became devotionally focused on in India. This Goddess is represented, (in plural), by Durga, Kali, Lakshmi and Sarasvati. (All One but separate just like us!). Also Tara in Tibetan Buddhism.

I have gained personal experience of depression & addictive behaviors, over the years since I left being a monk behind.  I engaged in extensive personal health explorations, conventional, naturopathic & Ayurveda. In my health professional role I gained experience of the whole gamut of psychiatry, therapy, and psychology. (Including medicinal options). Through solutions for many problems, mental & physical, & through all endeavors, spiritual and otherwise. I currently find myself to have moved past my search mode into Practical Enlightenment mode. And mentally stability. (My opinion only)!

Just to clarify I write about Enlightenment in terms of what we can all be, and in fact what we all are all in our Truth.

Accepting ones Divinity is part of the journey, and this is not to denigrate religions or philosophies of duality, as I still maintain both a non-dual approach and a devotional one. Religion may however forcefully want to us to bow down before their gods, higher powers, saviors and avatars.

I am Multi-Faith!

I am “multi-modal”! (Accepting scientific, psychiatric, and even atheistic view points).

As a child & teenager I couldn’t find what I wanted in England spiritually, because I didn’t know about spirituality! I had no compass, no gurus, nobody to explain about the search for identity. My parents and I were on another planet! I did not even know what I was seeking! Even in my search I realized that a lot of life is based on culture, politics, and religious “rules”, rather than based on Truth.

In India I could sit all day long in a perfectly mindless state. I became bored with being mindless! Of course nowadays “mindfulness” is considered wonderful. My attained state had been the ultimate of mindfulness goals! Now I am back to some of what I had in India. After more than 40 years. We all need is the ability to switch the mind from Life and the Universe, and become a witness to our thoughts & emotions even if our goal is just some mental stability & well being.

If we can create our own quiet uneventful periods we can control our destiny and future better, instead of being subject totally to events and people around us.Being super active & “out there” is seen as engaged, and therefore quite “sane”. Being engaged is often just what is forced upon us by circumstance. We may be powerless, over ourselves & all our activities. Free time may not easily acceptable thing, despite what the self-help books say.

It’s difficult to create a space in a busy world, where sitting in mediation becomes possible. Others may see it as selfish introspection!  Over the years, I was surprised to find that my mediation activities were not very productive. Without the hut in the middle of nowhere, & without a distraction free environment, my mind just would not sit n mediation with me. Hence probable over the year I also became distracted by life, & had a very patchy application to spiritual activities. Hence perhaps also there a variety of external influences that led to a long period of just distracting myself. This included heavy alcohol use at times, alongside an inclination towards the “sex n drugs n rock n roll philosophy”.

It was a shock then with clear time and space, & no agitation, distraction, and wants, that I still felt just bored or worse. Then I had periods where my cravings went ballistic. Also then sitting down for just 5-10 minutes in absolute stillness with calm and reposed mind was like trying to tame a bucking bronco. The mind is a wild animal. Or part of a relatively civilized mammal called human.

On the spiritual journey I find myself arrived where we want to be. Then I don’t need the culture, family, and work, to define ourselves. Scary, or a loss, but it is actually a new opportunity to have more, not less. My Realization is the acceptance of life as it is, as a Divine Creation at all times and for all purposes. We at all times are part of the Divine Creation, just as a drop of water is the same water as in the sea. This is not religion: just what should be the norm of life! (If we want to go pat wars & all divisiveness of cultures & countries.

In saying I am not part of the Divine, I will then need constant help, support, and opportunities to get what I can or grab in the struggle to survive. And I may or may not get this from this life- ever!  Maybe initially this view of the all-enveloping Divine is just an idea of the moment, whilst starting on some new spiritual path.. However these “elevated” ideas, this kind of knowledge and experience don’t usually arise of their own. Something happened to trigger this motivation. Maybe my feelings of discomfort are normal about such spiritual dimensions as expressed here. It is the nature of the ego to seek safety in what is known.

The past – what to chuck out.

It seems to be a normal tendency to look back and say, “oh I did that, why did I do that, what a mistake”, or even, “how stupid of me”. I know that now it is not necessary to have examination of what happened. If you throw out the garbage, the rubbish, it’s just going out, and it’s not necessary to check every little bit in the rubbish bag.

Consciousness is the underlying substratum of “how it was, how it is, how it will be”. Something else, anything else, just does not have any great meaning. So I don’t want to live in what is a bit of a museum, and interpret things over and over.  Therefore my state of realization, is to be in a place which is essentially undefinable, and cannot be connected to by words and language. (Even though religions and spiritual teachings try to).

My own Divinity centre is already in perfection, and as for what happened and will happen; it’s still within that Cosmic Consciousness. We are what we think, and when we start think Divine, we start to move beyond “mere human”. We become what we think.

It does not mean that the world does not exist for me. Some spiritual practitioners call the world illusory. (Maya). That may be just another attempt to explain the inexplicable. When we experience the Truth of existence, the true reality, we comprehend what I call: Life and the Universe. I then see the world that seems to exist, as what it in Truth is. I then know: Who I am. What I am. What is my purpose? (What do I do now)?

I enter into a nameless space in the ether of the cosmos around me. This is also within my heart area when I meditate. The Divine is not just out there, or not just some god sitting in the clouds growing his beard! Ideas of God again are the product of history, many religions, and many thoughts of philosophers. I accept the great Buddhist Void, or Shunya, and “Existence, Knowledge, Bliss”. (Sat, Chit, Ananda). The great sages, seers, and teachers say that we are in sync with the truth of God in terms of sound, (becoming form), and can go beyond sound also into the soundless etheric space. (The Akasha). This for me is a subtle sound that starts when Om or other seed mantas trail off into the ”mmmm” sound. In any moment and time this present is what is available, to me, what can be known, as his is where the mind can expand in mindfulness meditation to become united with the source of all, or one with the Cosmic Self.

In fearlessness we lose our anxiety, sadness and our obsessions!

Throughout the 80,s I was not engaged in a spiritual journey or a programme. However this was to be a space in time, that changed dramatically back to full acceptance of my spiritual being, my essential Divine Nature, that is also all the Truth of all existence , and certainly attainable by all human beings. (That is if this view is accepted and surrendered to through your chosen spiritual pathway and practice).

I think in 1987 I felt the dormant yogic flame that had been slowly fading, coming back into my awakening awareness. The sleeping mantras begun again to revolve in sluggish brain cells. I even took to sitting down to meditate for brief and infrequent periods. So as 10 years had gone by in India as a monk, now 10 years had passed in the West in the material net. Now I was back at the beginning of a new phase. The next 10 years were practical because I learnt about my own mental instability, marriage, fatherhood, relationships and career. Even though I was strongly negatively affected at times, (and quite dramatically), I feel lucky to have the great fortune to experience life in such depth of highs and lows, the fascinating and the stimulating, and the painful. Yet so much in development lessons.

Seems to me it all just happened. One of my customs has been a devotion to the Goddess, since India, where I turned to Kali, Lakshmi, and Saraswati. All actually forms of the Shakti, that manifests in our bodies as Kundalini and works through the chakras. (This is covered in depth in “Om Divine Grace”). For me what happens and in Life and the Universe is Goddess driven, and thus my writings are also Goddess inspired.

Destiny is all, or the will of God is paramount.

But which God?

I could not say that I was then self-realized but now my philosophy is that a native natural state is to be Divine and from that perspective it is relevant to talk about being realized as our true state within Cosmic Consciousness. In this space it is not necessary to attain anything with regard the what goes on externally. Strangely I have felt more urge to turn to the spiritual side as a result of some destructive, negative, depressed, or addictive periods!

Although most churches, temples, guru, and groups that I have been involved don’t stipulate immediate “enrollment”, I know that they all tend to seek some form of commitment eventuality. Also the meditation and yoga groups derived from India can be seen as part of the Hindu religion, though a lot of the followers would not want to see themselves as Hindus.

For myself I am Multi-faith so this issue is irrelevant, and I have followed whatever I wanted, and was not swayed by sales techniques of the proponents of whatever group or cult was being promoted. Make no mistake though, yoga with mantras gurus, kundalini, and chakras, are all basically part of the Hindu religion, even when they have been watered down and sanitized to meet a secular Western market. Philosophies, religious and spiritual practices should not be grabbed to become the property of any group or sect, and channeled into moneymaking enterprises. Due recognition of their source is good.

 My spiritual beliefs may be giving me a sense of being enlightened but remember this word is not in favor. The spiritual practices led me to a space, a Higher Room, from where I was able to connect with my strengths and resilience, with which I could achieve my status as “in recovery from enmeshment in Maya”. A place then where all the issues of, Life and the Universe, have been re-identified into the Divine Truth for the human in individual form. With the personality intact!

Fears are resolved and I can sit in the Divine Space.

Technically then what happens is simply the ongoing experiences of life which happen automatically over the course of time, as karma outcomes. That realistically is that I no longer acts to get, make, achieve, but rather will experience, (the results of past actions). Teaching or service to other may still take place as per Deity inspired influence.

This is:

Practical Enlightenment.  Or Realistic Realization

Now this is a sense of being, simply experiencing life, (as if the train ran out of fuel but keeps on roiling).

This is what is happening to me, around me, automatically as a result of past actions. It doesn’t mean I don’t shower or eat etc. because these are also activities set up previously to perpetuate the life lived, and thus “roll” automatically. It does not mean one I don’t work, or don’t remain in the marriage or other relationships. Again these are set up and continue at their own pace under their own steam unless of course they spontaneously, naturally drop away. There is no striving either to change things the way they are they are. It is as it is. But there is no issue, no complaint, no fear, no anxiety, or regret.

This is Practical Enlightenment and Realistic Realization.

Therefore I write a reflection of what happened to me in my journey through life which was in its foundation a spiritual journey combined with, entwined with, the realities of life, relationships work, money, and whatever comes under the heading: Life and the Universe. Then throughout the life experience comes spiritual reflection and awareness, entwined and connected.

Generated through the influence: Goddess inspired…..

After India my main pathway of had been Siddha Yoga, and the Shaktipaat of the guru. (Now it is Mantra Yoga). By devotion to and focus on the guru, I received the shakti that enters the devotee downwards into the chakras and awakens the kundalini. In. When I first went to the ashram, of Swami Muktananda, outside of Mumbai, I thought it was “all a load of rubbish”!

After several weeks in the ashram and some brief darshans, (being in the gurus presence), I found myself dancing ecstatically and involuntarily. I have never seen anything like it since, and certainly not on a mass level. Fascinating!

Unfortunately Swami Muktananda, when in his 70,s, attracted a lot of negative press, due to the discovery of his sexual activities with young devotee girls! Not sure what happened there, but I had by then moved on from that organization as a source of inspiration for my spiritual journey.

Living in New Zealand by the lat 80,s I shared accommodation with followers of  Avatar Adi Da, (then called then Da Love Ananda). He had been a follower initiated by Swami Muktananda, and went off separately to form his own organization in America. He also became very famous for some quite negative reasons, but also produced a large volume of works which I found very interesting.

I never joined up but I actually got a lot out of selected works I did not accept his writings where he just wrote profusely that he was the only means for anyone’s salvation. (He called his method, “only by me, through me”). It was a bit like Christ saying one could only come to the father through him. My multi-faith view sees this as limiting the Truth.

I explored Bahaism, and resumed some occasional attendance in the Anglican Church. I attended some rather more evangelical Christian events, often in very large very well attended venues, where they had bands and hymns were on screens. Not really my “cup of tea”.

I received Holy Communion. I enjoy the ceremonials, the liturgy, and the choir. I see Jesus Christ as a holy guru worthy of my deepest respect. This is not my main spiritual path way, and I have no concerns about what others think, as I am Multi-Faith, and I do what I want in terms of my own spiritual journey. That is my business and I have no time whatsoever for any form of fundamentalism, or even religious people trying to tell me that their religion, or belief, is the only way. Equally I totally accept what others follow or believe in.

I realize now how I became spiritual in the first place. Because I struggle with life and it seems that the more I struggle and fail, the more spiritual I become or rather the more desperate! I also had a problem with living life on life’s terms & have always had an inner urge to “run”, (away). This desperation, looking back had been with me since the age of 11.

My real journey then has not been only about being spiritual, rather about overcoming, the experience of being a human being, who was struggling in many ways. In time I had some success at all levels, including mental and psychic, so that I could be spiritually realized and humanly realized. This is where I am now, being in:

 Practical Enlightenment (or Realistic Realization.

Am I Enlightened?

After having spent 10 years in India as a monk, had I attained a state of self-knowledge and achieved Moksha? (Moksha is equivalent to Nirvana which is a more common term in Buddhism. Moksha means freedom from the cycle of rebirth, or it just means freedom from this troubled human existence).

Release into what? Furthermore after nearly forty years on, had I found my own true religion and philosophy that can be substantiated logically, (somewhat), & maybe a bit scientifically? Do I now have lasting and permanent benefit as a results – all-round? (All aspects of life).

In India I developed a clearly defined Hindu derived Vedanta philosophical look on life which did not change with in the passage of time. This part was not about having multiple gods, & sitting in temples, though I did that a lot also. It was about a very monotheistic philosophical outlook that was even atheistic to some degree. (No God only Consciousness).  I have written about Vedanta my previous books in some depth. Vedanta philosophy enables a deeps Truth Unlimited, which is unaffected or swayed by any or all religious type beliefs. It is about oneself as ultimately or actually a Divine being, and about Maya, the illusory and transient suffering filled nature of Life and the Universe. Vedanta though seemingly nihilistic or fatalistic at times, has given me the means to develop an over view, rather than the calmness and equipoise that I get from mantra/kundalini yogas  & also Goddess prayer.

This is then a realization of “Aham Brahma Asmi”, (I am the Cosmic Soul), as an innate “feeling’. It is a completely different and more powerful awareness, compared to any other life experience. This can be called enlightenment or realization. However I consider that true enlightenment occurs only on completion of the spiritual journey and all components of the worldly experience journey, which are the integrated.

My own practice has  led me to a state where I have the opportunity and ability to control not only major elements of my own life but also have some intervention skills in the life of others. Not particularly through yogic powers or siddhis, though that can be done. More subtle including in my current secular counseling activities. Somewhat strangely when I tried taken those “yogic powers” from India into the everyday life of marriage, children, & career, I found that my spiritual energy seemed to have faded, & I couldn’t translate what I had learnt as a yogi into real everyday life. This has changed, but I am warry off applying too much siddhi into life. Yoga treatises say that if I use my yogic powers I will be enmeshed in them, & & then bound to Samsara, the cycle of life & death, or as I prefer, Life & the Universe.

Over the years, there were times of feelings of being powerless over my human condition. Although seemingly for a lengthy period, it gave me eventually a better understanding of human life, with better ability to be transcend & become realized at all levels of the mind/body, whilst fully in the world.

This is the state I call:

Practical Enlightenment or Realistic Realization.

As I regained a sense of control over circumstance, influence and self-regulated by my understanding of the workings karma, I had a more complex awareness of both the inevitability of some events and the endless possibility for change. Self-responsibility to become free of karma leads away from the known spiritual pathways and into the depths of Divine Grace!

My life has been a search for the meaning of Life and thee Universe, a connection to the Cosmic Consciousness, and in my case, to the Goddess Shakti. Whilst universal in nature, obviously my views of spirituality are very personal and unique to me. I do follow Vedanta and Tantra.  It may be a sacred realm, but in Tantra the profane is included.  Never the less I seek to promote and find the Light, which includes love, honesty, serenity and freedom from reactivity.

The complex interweaving of soul and Cosmic Soul, lead to my Practical Enlightenment. (Not just a spiritual trip, but also a space where I can realistically serve others in my Realistic Realization space. My sense of healing is Goddess though is derived for She is my Deity. I see the possibility of happiness but it is not the ordinary happiness.  It is Ananda, the Bliss of Consciousness. Along with spiritual consciousness as Chit, and spiritual Truth as Sat. Sat, Chit, Ananda. The end product or desired result from the study and practice of Vedanta.

In my long experience, the mental health default setting has been that we have nothing to do with religion and spirituality. Religious beliefs and even spirituality can even be regarded as “odd or strange’, and the professional are “suspicious”. After stopped being a monk, & had started out as a psychiatric nurse, I thought that I perhaps had a pathological issue, and psychiatry did not seem to debunk this. Even maybe my religious practices were considered as a symptom of mental illness. (I probably had a few issues and this made it worse)! Was I neurotic? As per the D.S.M. psychiatry manual, (Diagnostical & Statistical), was my experience, (religious and spiritual), proof of a psychopathology?

Recent research however is turning things around. Many patients, who have religion and spirituality, are been seen as people with “strengths’, not weaknesses (look up “Strengths Model”). We have resources that help us to cope with life, including, for me, low mood and dependency behaviors at certain points in my life. There is now to be considered, normal religious and spiritual experiences, versus religious and spiritual problems leading to mental disturbances. Leading to this is though a strange anomaly, is it may still propose the spiritual is a causative factor. Well God is a causative factor, so I suppose we can blame Him or Her!

I have read that religious well-being refers to the quality of a person’s relationship with a higher power; existential well-being, which refers to a person’s sense of meaning and their purpose in life. Also conversely some research says that those with higher levels of religious well-being were more likely to have had depression than those with lower levels of religious well-being! Yes, some years ago I could have gotten a psychiatric diagnosis for these my monasticism proclamations. Alternatively, going back further, I could be facing burning at the stake for being heretic!