Steps 5 onward.

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Admitting to the higher power, oneself, and another person the wrongs done

I admitted to myself, and to counselor/s, sponsor etc. all the “stuff” that happened to demean my “goodness” due to my behaviors. I was willing to “own up” and again “confess”. (I sometimes think I would enjoy being a practicing Catholic!).

My Experience – step five.

Am I wrong?

Is my life wrong?

This seems a bit Christian to me, as, in Eastern religions only the qualities of nature are responsible, and the human’s role then is only to be more spiritual or religious. This means that we journey through our rights and wrongs with less judgement, because if we are praying we are “good” anyway. Addiction is only “bad”, as opposed to sinful, and that is what needs removing. Not the personality or character, which seems to be tied up with ones karma or “caste”. People then are what they are, and if you insist all human life is defective as in “all are sinners”.  The remedy is still this turning to God, or rather ones chosen Deity.

From a mental health perspective, it is just addiction. A disorder, (but not a spiritual “disease”). It is not bad, and even illegal activities that occur under the influence may not be punished, but treated. A health professional may advise here -be careful. Do not get into shame and blame.

I have not seen that this as the case though in the 12-step programme in action.

It is more like a “healing confession”.

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Being ready to have the Higher Power correct any shortcomings in one’s character

My Experience – step six.

I have tried to look at my shortcomings and I willingly asked my God to remove them.

It is not scary, although it you may think: “I will die if I lose my personality. I will be nothing”.

As I have previously been in a monastic role without recourse to my “normal” persona, I do not feel scared about tossing out my usual self-based ego. I gave up being a monk because I was bored, and possible because it was emotionally painful, as I was not ready to do this for the rest of my life.

However, when doing this step I wanted to turn over my defects that I carry in my life in the community, within family, etc. Those defects were not in play in the same form when I was a monk. It was the challenges, or “real” life, that bought out the worst in me!

I realize that I have mostly always been willing to change in a realistic manner, but I can have a perfectionist tendency, Then I may go the opposite if I cannot “get there”, thinking “what’s the point’. I think its fairly common to get overwhelmed because the changes desired in life have not happened.

I do have a few historically recurrent problems to turn over to my Goddess. Such as some tendency depression, anxiety, and dependency. However, I can get frustrated if all the rest not also being fixed.

I continue to affirm that I turn to the “Higher Rooms” where I can work from a positive attitude. I try to believe that my Guides will work things out, or lead me correctly.

I like to think I am ready, especially for the unknown. For instance, I am available to accept death. That is guaranteed anyway!

I still have patterns of behavior lurking around (or waiting), so I get tired of being vigilant and just want them removed. God does not always seem to work that way. So am I likely to act the same way with the same defects again? The potential is there, so no good saying all is transformed – permanently

(At least I am thinking about it and am not burying my head in the sand, and saying all cravings or desires have gone).

I am fairly confident that God will work things out the “right” way.

I still have needs and try to get them met. Mostly to just be in a good mood and be fairly happy. If I engage in negative behaviors again to get that result, then “defects of character” will be in in charge again!

I am not a bad person. For all of us there usually are some issues deep down or way back in time that may have caused or triggered the depression, anxiety, P.T.S.D., or whatever, that then triggers other behaviors. Therefore, I make the effort to heal those issues with spiritual and professional help as needed.

Ok, sometimes I like being the “bad boy” a bit. (Fairly common perhaps)? I accept that this shuts down progress in recovery, and puts me at risk for relapse. I am willing to surrender that bit also. and move n from that.

I have an ongoing spiritual practice and will always return there no matter what happens.

Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Asking the Higher Power to remove those shortcomings.

I humbly asked my Goddess for help, and committed myself to giving up my shortcomings so that they could be removed from me.

My Experience – step seven.

Humbleness is not my strong point, as I can feel superior at times. Narcissism though can lead to seemingly great success. Just look at all the world leader, despots and dictators! Narcissism leads to limited self-honesty, and being less teachable. I am though willing to grow and change, and into my seventies am keen to meet new career challenges, put out my writings, and endeavor to be an ever improving resource for others well-being. More service all round until I die!

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Making a list of wrongs done to others and being willing to make amends for those wrongs

My Experience – step eight.

I made a list of all the people who were negatively impacted by my behaviors. I want to live with respect and loyalty to others, and not let them down.

(I have a danger here in that I may want to please others, so they think good of me).

Learning how to live at peace without judgement, with all men and women, of whatever description. This can be a challenge, especially my low regard towards violent or aggressive men. I always say I left some wreckage in my own wake. However, I find it hard to believe I have hurt others, as I am really not a violent or aggressive person. Probably a bit timid at times, and especially so when I was a teenager.

This step does seem purposeless and pointless at times, as I am not good at making lists, especially about my faults.The advantage is that it helps me to cease to fear the criticism of others.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Contacting those who have been hurt, unless doing so would harm the person

My Experience – step nine.

I made amends to people through acknowledgement and commitment to change, even if I did not directly tell them about my behaviors. (Many people who know me, could be surprised and offended, as I often seemed to be a “paragon of virtue” to them).

Still, I needed to do this with some people, despite personal discomfort.

Any addictive or dependent type behaviors invariably involve other people. I probably had a mixture of guilty or resentful feelings towards some of them; or I ignored their needs or deserted them. (Going back over forty years’ worth of stuff not even related bad behavior!). I have my own part in hurting someone. Now I want to move into the future unencumbered by the past and to understand not to repeat the mistakes of that past.

I have tried to make amends to family, friends and others.

I find invariably they say that I do not need to apologize to them!

They often seem embarrassed and even keen to talk about their own shortcomings!

In my Christian type prayers, I am released from sin, reconciled with God, redeemed from the past, and in partaking of the Holy Communion, I regain my connection ritually with the Christ. (For me this is within and without).

I also do this in other religious and spiritual forms and practices – a lot!

(Christianity is not my main practice, but I am also historically and culturally connected to Anglican Christianity, due to my upbringing in England).

Therefore, for me the past exists, but has no impact on me now – today, this moment.

As far as God is concerned – I am forgiven.

I can only in the moment, make my peace with my Goddess and seek to live in the Upper Rooms, which is to live in the Christ/Brahman/Bodhisattva position. I try to experience this and bring this into my daily life and practice.

I have my own set of beliefs and faith and A.A. is also therefore subsidiary, but also important. One tool among several for managing dependencies and obsession. My main practice for managing my issues is Kundalini Yoga, (and has been for fifty years). This is a key topic in my books.

The process of making amends includes then, forgiving others and forgiving ourselves. (Can be completed per our daily payers). Possibly being forgiven by other humans.

Thus if step eight and nine want more from me, I am not in a clear position, consequent upon my beliefs, (or disbelief), regarding sin, to act further.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Continuing to take personal inventory and admitting when one is wrong

I continue to be responsible and accountable for all my actions, and when I am wrong promptly admitted it and make the necessary changes.

My Experience – step ten.

It is about commitment our True Spiritual Divine selves, and to maintaining honesty and integrity in our everyday affairs.

I thought I would have to write a book if I was to describe my spiritual practice, experience and journey to date. (My thoughts in early 2020).

As it so happened through the second half of 2020 and onward, I wrote four books and self-published on Amazon. This episode chronicling my 12-step journey is part of this writing period.

My practice was somewhat augmented due to a recent interest in what I call,“following the Guides”. (I stated reading the channeled works of Paul Selig in 2020. He channels the Guides directly without editing of their words). Fascinating!

Learning from the Guides:

• It is about what I encounter in my life, in every moment.

• It is all Divine opportunity.
• I release the idea of expectations.
• All outcomes are Divine.
• Every interchange is an opportunity to see or know God.
• Each encounter with an individual is an opportunity to perceive the Divine in them.
• I intend to stay in the “Upper Room, (Divine Space), in all circumstances

My “religion” and spiritual practice was therefore given some additional focus by the Guides teachings, and I am glad to have found those books.

I am now more willing to release the idea of who I am or what I have been to receive the new. More willing to release the attachments I have had, or may still have, to what I think I am or should be. I accept myself as worthy to do this spiritual practice, which is woven into my whole life, past, present and future.

I ask:

Who am I?

What am I?

What is my true purpose?

This relates directly to my personal philosophy which is Vedanta.

I have written in depth about Vedanta in my books:

Om Divine Grace.

Grace Divine Journey.

Goddess Inspired-collected writings

English-Man, Beggar-Man, Holy-Man

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

My Experience – step eleven.

My version: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with the Goddess as I understand Her, praying only for knowledge of Her will for me/us and the power to carry that out.

Seeking enlightenment and connection with the higher power via prayer and meditation.

I continue to seek to improve myself, to deepen connection to others, to develop and grow toward full potential, and to do my best regarding devotion to my Deity and to my philosophy.

I am part of a greater Source, the Cosmic Consciousness, and I seek to use my capabilities, strengths, and talents for a higher purpose.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Carrying the message of the 12 Steps to others in need

My Experience – step twelve.

I use my deeper awareness and transcendence of my ego based neediness. I help others to solve, resolve or manage their problems. Just as I was helped also. I continue my spiritual practice, and seek to get to practical applications regarding decisions and actions I take.

I write now to also serve others. (Writings about spiritual practice, including its relationship to addictions and to mental health).

I continue to work as a mental health professional.

It is about Service, with willingness to help others and to keep growing at the same time.

Disclaimer!

It is impossible to do these steps 100%, so acceptance of our human limitations is in order. On any given day, we simply do the best we can with them.

I also have taken some liberties with the steps, and may have diverged considerably from what some readers may expect me to say, or believe.

Do not worry. It gets worse further in!