New Zealand 1981

The old grey Ford Anglia was then 16 years old and it was largely held together by rust, with doors that did not lock or even shut properly. I had done one longer trip in it, but mostly was used in Auckland, where I had spent six months as a staff nurse in a psychiatric unit. However I set out in it on the spur-of-the-moment to go wherever I was going. I ran away. I left a note. I had recently resigned my job and I was perhaps in a state of great depression, angst, claustrophobic panic, claustrophobic whatever. I don’t know.

I can’t explain why I did this and why I caused a lot of pain to a lot of people, including my girlfriend who I lived with. I could not face my life anymore but I was not suicidal, but I had fleeting thoughts that if I stayed where I was, I might drive off a cliff. I had no plan and no backup plan, I just drove south with a suitcase. When I had been in India as a monk, I was completely free then to act like this and go where I wanted, when I wanted. It had only been 5 years, since I return to civilization. I did not think of the consequences or the effect on others. I was seeking happiness, relief, peace, whatever that is. My direction in life then was not conducive to discussion with others about what was in my head. No counseling for me! I probably blocked out reality, or whatever I felt. I had not enjoyed my role as a newly qualified psychiatric nurse. I was not ready to settle down into a relationship. I did not know how to do this!

I carried on to the down the North Island to Wellington. En-route I gave a lift to a Swiss hitchhiker. It was really helpful for me to chat about her life hitchhiking around the country, (which was safe in those days), casual working in Australasia, and living out of a backpack.

I immediately had a picture of how I was going to travel now, and how I wanted to be. Free yes, but obviously unable to deal with whatever mental/psychological demons I was harboring. I stayed in a backpacker’s hostel in Wellington. A rundown place, full of youngish people from Europe and Australia, and I was able to define for myself where I was heading, for the next few years.

Justifying the past.

It seems to be a normal tendency to look back and say, “oh I did that, why did I do that, what a mistake”, or even, “how stupid of me”.

In the deepest realized place it is not necessary to have examination of what happened.

If you throw out the garbage, the rubbish, it’s just going out, and it’s not necessary to check every little bit in the rubbish bag.

Consciousness is the underlying substratum of “how it was, how it is, how it will be”. Something else, anything else, just does not have any great meaning. Even so we may want to live in what is a bit of a museum, and interpret things over and over.

Therefore to move into the state of realization, is to be in a place which is essentially undefinable, and cannot be connected to by words and language. (Even though religions and spiritual teachings try to).

One’s own Divinity is already in perfection, and as for what happened and will happen; it’s still within that Cosmic Consciousness.

We are what we think, and when we start think Divine, we start to move beyond “mere human”. We become what we think.

It does not mean that the world does not exist. Some philosophers and spiritual practitioners call the world illusory. (Maya). That may be just another attempt to explain the inexplicable.

When we experience the Truth of existence, the true reality, we comprehend what I call: Life and the Universe.

In the universe we can enter into a nameless space in the ether of the cosmos around us. This is also within our hearts when we meditate. The Divine is not just out there, or not just some god sitting in the clouds growing his beard!

Ideas of God again are the product of history, many religions, and many thoughts of philosophers. Some call it the great Buddhist Void, or Shunya, and in Post-Vedic times it was “Existence, Knowledge, Bliss”. (Sat, Chit, Ananda). The great sages, seers, and teachers say that we are in sync with the truth of God in terms of sound, (becoming form), and can go beyond sound also into the soundless etheric space. (The Akasha). In any moment and time this present is what is available, what can be known, and this is where the mind can expand in mindfulness meditation to become united with the source of all, or one with the Cosmic Self.

It does not matter too much about a journey, as every experience can also be seen as part of the Divine Learning Experience, and be recognized as totally purposeful. (With no experience needing or any judgement to be added on). When we accept who we are in Truth we claim our Divinity. We claim our Oneness with the Higher Power, the Divine Goddess. (Or God, if you insist).

When we do this we can also begin to demonstrate in our practical lives more than just survival. We move past fear, addictions, depression, anxiety, and whatever it is that troubles us as a human. Again we accept those experiences of pain through mental struggles as part of Divine Learning.

But, we move beyond them!

If we continue to choose to deny our own Divinity, we are denying the Divine in all. We remain a human who wants God to fix us, or some other “version” to do so. (The Incarnation, the Guru, the Buddha, the Jesus). We want to be fixed and stay human, so that we don’t have to take on the enormous responsibility incurred when we fully surrender to Truth.

Most religions will not give you permission! (To be Free).

To embody yourself in your true identity is heretic, and certainly you are not given permission, by most of society, to be “allowed” to realize your Divinity throughout your whole physical body. Then it becomes required that you remain in fear. Fear because of separation. Where there is many there is no Unity. When we are one with the Cosmic Being we become fearless. In fearlessness we lose our anxiety, sadness and our obsessions!