Steps 1 to 5

The 12-step model (One way out of the darkness!). Traditional A.A. and other versions

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over (substance or behavior issue in question), that our lives had become unmanageable.

Admitting powerlessness over the addiction/obsession.

“I Admit and accepted that I have a problem with ……. that I cannot resolve by myself. I am “powerless” in regard to this problem, and may be powerless over many other aspects of my life.”

Co-existing disorders are the norm in health professional parlance. I.e. it is more likely that addiction will be accompanied by depression/anxiety, or other disorders, or vice versa. Co-existing physical ailments that compound the problem are also commonly prevalent. In addition, repeated attempts to resolve the core issue have not been successful, and it has become worse. (This may include harm reduction efforts. I.e. attempting to reduce substance or behavior/addiction/obsession. Or alternatively, attending counseling/therapy).

My Experience – step one.

This is an admission I have made before, and am making again.

Something about being powerless here shines through.

However, it talks about We, in that we all have these issues. So, I don’t feel bad about doing this step, as it seems to be a reaction to fairly common problems!

I am powerless over lots-of things – the sun’s schedule, the tides, etc.

Thinking I was in power over my historical mental health and dependency issues, is actual unreasonable. Alcohol for instance is an addictive drug, and a chemical poison. I used it mostly socially and then to “block out” at times… However the use of the term alcoholic or addict is not acceptable to many, nor are mental health “labels”. They might be irrelevant to one who has a spiritual pathway. (Or religious faith and views).

The step also does not say I have to sign anything, or I cannot change my mind. (Think of thirty-day refunds!). So, to say “this is what I can truly believe”, is also “just for today”.

(Although I have a strong desire to keep my spiritual recovery for all the days to come).

Maybe science will solve the mental health/addiction scenario one day. I doubt it, as I think there must be some Divine reason to have problems then get “fixed”. For instance, so available is alcohol, there must be some “purpose” behind its creation. It’s been around “forever”.

Maybe just getting to a point where being powerless is ok, is the sign of spiritual progress, or even enlightenment. (Whatever that is).

There is some reason for my/our experiences and I believe they are all lessons from God, designed to bring me/us to the Higher Rooms.

At some point, I/we can cease to worry about the issue, as the desire to drink/drug/engage in certain behaviors or obsessions will go. (If we do some programme that is spiritual, or therapeutic, or healing).

For instance, I never will smoke again – guaranteed! (Have not done so for 30 years).

Smoking makes my asthma bad, and will give me cancer. No thanks!

Similarly, I do not want alcohol, cannabis or to be obsessed with certain activities/behaviors. (Many reasons).

Biggest reason – it makes our lives unmanageable. Again that our is very re-assuring.

Just as we have laws about tobacco-, they are not focused on me, but on us.

Therefore, I do not need to take it personally.

It is a common problem this being in an unmanageable life. It is purposeful in terms of my journey with God/Goddess. (Not towards me as my Deity/Divine Consciousness has always been with me, and always has been).

It makes it very human stance: Ours, and therefore very digestible and acceptable.

Do not worry about what others think. Even if you want to say, “I am an alcoholic/shopaholic” etc., or “I am a chronic depressive”, etc.

Stigma is something unenlightened people hold onto, based on fear/judgment.

Not my problem!  Having a perfectly “average” disease is ok, and there are solutions. (Including via Higher Power).

Accepting a problem and being powerless about it, also leads me to accept, list, and start to manage the whole range of issues that I am also powerless over. Then as I strive to release everything here in my Recovery and Spiritual practice, I should become one who is charge of any Power. In my Enlightenment I don’t need labels anymore!!

12 steps programmes can be for those who wish only to stop drink/drug/engage in certain behaviors.

I am currently doing a bit more than wish only perhaps! (However, must stay humble!)

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

(After “Our lives had become unmanageable”).

Believing that a Higher Power, (in whatever form), can help.

My Experience – step two.

I realize that I need help beyond thinking change effort, such as found in C.B.T. (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Also, my other efforts to intervene/change, and other human’s intervention/support, did not get me to where I wanted to be.

This is a good line of questioning!

I found a lot of help, as I turned more to my version of Higher Power.

I had at times in my family and society life “qualified” for all sorts of counseling, therapy etc. Then I tried out all the options that I could find.

However I think accepting ones being in life, as also being unmanageable, is actually a relief, because then we can see where things truly are and where we want to be.

This is good in that it leads me acceptance of our spiritual nature, role in the Divine scheme of things, and acceptance of lessons learnt. This helps to move towards focus on a spiritual purpose, that includes service to others before self. (This also helps to side step the unmanageability)

Regarding “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity: This step is also a bit puzzling, as it seems that many people have trouble with his step, if they are non-believes, “luke-warm” believers, or atheists.  They still seem to be able to get long-term recovery, even if they struggle with a belief in God or Higher Power.

Part of the reason it is puzzling to is that from the age of eighteen, I have always considered myself to be a spiritual person and to some degree also a religious person. However, I found that it seemed I could not at certain times put the spiritual practice and beliefs into real life activity.

Especially in consideration of the dysfunction or reasons for which I originally tried the 12 steps approach. Why did my practice not cure me? (From a tendency to be depressed or anxious for instance).

Theoretically, I can understand the perspective that my Higher Power has always protected me. It has enabled me to function well or seemingly well despite being deep in what seemed to be some degree of mental dysfunction. I was worried that I seemed to have a somewhat “split personality: driven approach to life. A spiritual light personality and a dark personality!

I have been restored to sanity in many ways. Even starting from when I was 18. Because if I had not came to the Yogi and monk status in India, I would not have attained the grounding which enabled me to complete my time in India, and then move on to a so called normal life. Without that I could have been in rehab instead for endless years!

I have been enabled to attain a significant career at senior level, remaining within the family and marriage, and keeping my health and ability to function very well, once I got over my dysfunction aspects.

I do not believe there is any life apart from that designed by the Supreme Power. Therefore, what has happened is of the nature of the Divine.  This experience also has a Divine purpose. In my view there cannot be a separation of human nature and Divine nature, otherwise the concept of One God/ Higher Power is invalid.

The whole concept of God versus Satan seems bizarre to me. (It is Duality). However, (if there is a Satan), I accept that I choose which side I take, by my own volition and action. I find this to be a satisfying and liberating position, as this belief, enables me to understand not only my own personality, but of others also. It also means that I can continue with my work no matter what happens. (Including as a mental health professional). It also means that I choose whatever therapeutic and healing activity I participate in.

If I choose to do “other”, and go “backwards”,  that is my choice, but it is also for me to accept the consequences. I believe that understanding regarding  the meaning of step two will help me in a positive way in this regard. (Will also therefore keep me on track to the Light).

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Deciding to turn control over to the Higher Power

Firstly why God and why a Him? I decided to ask for more help from the Goddess that I am implicitly devoted too. (It is your choice of Deity here). I sought further guidance from how my Deity was directing my life, and even asked for my life to be taken over.

My Experience – step three.

I did not have a hard time with this step because I do not have mixed feelings about religion, and I believe in God. I do not think however, this step is about religious obligation. It is about going towards something other than me. Thus, 12-step programme attendance follows, along with thinking about the Steps, and then putting them into practice.

I admit I did not control my life “issues” at times, and I did not “let go” for a while, to allow a greater power to take over. I thought I was master of my destiny, but by working with the 12 steps, rather than on my own, this step three allows me to see my faith as including sobriety, sanity and serenity. However it is more than those “attainments”, as the Truth of existence does not have the dualities of sane/insane etc., Sanity though is part and parcel of being in the Light of the Divine. Without faith, though I will still be stuck in an unhappy situation. Whether I am living a “good life” or not.

So, one of the keys to my recovery has been doing the steps. Therefore, this step wants me to do something –a decision that I accept outside guidance, (as well as that of my own Deity gained in meditation/prayer). It is a power greater than me, but not just about only believing in my God or understanding my God. It’s also about willingly accepting help, in the form of supportive individuals, therapists, 12-step recommendations and my Gurus or my religious guides.

I had a certain part of my lifetime, influence by self-will running into darkness, as I saw the need to turn this part over, I allowed someone and something to care for me on a variety of levels.

Life is a spiritual process and step three reminds me of this. I also want to be a person who is restored to accepting reality, to not be dishonest, and to have balance with peace of mind. My self-will means excluding consideration for others, focusing only on what I want- even if I seemed to be doing “good works” as a health professional. I also left some destruction behind due to self-will priorities, and some connection with Truth.

I believe in taking the actions necessary to change for good, forever. I need to keep doing the right actions, forever!

I like the connection with a Higher Power, and I will continue to hold onto the 12-steps just to focus on this. There is a lot of Higher Power or God mentioning in the steps. I am fine with that and seek that. (Except that it’s a bit patriarchal!).

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Taking a personal inventory.

My Experience – step four.

I took a thorough look at my role in creating the problems, without judging or shaming myself. I took responsibility, which led to the spiritual practice of asking for help:

Who am I?

What am I?

What is my role on earth?

The real problem is that character flaws need to be faced as they appear to be. (That is being fearless). Searching is to “confess” it all. (It is a bit Catholic!).

In practice: I need to identify the negatives that have ruled my life, and not blame people, places, or things. I may learn from the results of hurtful, embarrassing activities through doing this.

This is probably the “therapy” step!

I know that resentment feeds our addictions.

I have not written any lists of beliefs, events, situations, or circumstances before, but have discussed in depth what has triggered negative “depressed” feelings, hence leading to drinking or other behaviors as “medication”.

So:

• I had resentments about my wife, family work, money etc.
• Depression drives those resentments- based on negative beliefs.
• Drinking increase the negative and the low mood.
• This harmed my relationships, work, finances etc.
• I had fear driven by anxiety, and used alcohol at times as my anti-anxiety drug.
• I responded destructively and negatively at times to my fears and negative beliefs.
• Some shame and guilt is present from childhood.
• I tended to block unpleasant feelings and did not allow too much personal closeness.
• My friendships were limited, and family, work and intimate relationships seemed scary at times.
• I then I can be compulsive at times. 

Did not feel too overwhelming, doing this step, as I have experience of therapy and counselors. Nevertheless, I am no longer hanging out for a Cure!

Recovery always helps me to feel ok about my life and myself. (Perhaps for some, so does the right anti-depressant!)

My faith in a God/Goddess has always grown, and I am grateful for the Higher Powers in my life. This is my guide to the moral bit. I cannot say I have been a good person, but I have been able to keep away from the worst outcomes. I think that I have always been guided to try to try to be kind to others and “do no harm”.

My awareness of Karma also keeps me from losing it completely. So far!

Therefore, my moral inventory is to ask primarily for forgiveness, (which I do in a Christian way, as that is due to my involvement historically with the church.). This has engendered relief from shame and guilt.

I do not “do” forgiveness so much when I do my yoga practice, or even pray to my Goddess. It is there but not so prominent as in Christianity. I personally pray directly for forgiveness of “whatever”. Not sin though, and not through anyone’s blood sacrifice. (Admittedly I pick and choose the “bits” of religion that I can in my conscience, digest.